I guess these past few weeks (or days) have been the most confusing days ever.
I’ve been running around and it didn’t felt ‘good’ at all.
So tonight I promised myself to write something down.

I started working at All Ways Events Hasselt and it’s a new world for me. I just try to get used to all the rules and habits but it’s still very new and odd. I’ve been thinking about what I want with my life and it makes me confused, that’s the only thing I can tell for now. This new world is still scary.

I leave home at 8 AM and start working at 9. When I finish my work at 6 o’clock, I hurry up and drive to Leuven. I still have my accounting lessons there untill the end of december so every monday,tuesday and thursday I hurry up and eat while driving my car, getting at syntra just a minute before the lessons start at 7 PM. It’s really stressy. After 3,5 hours my lessons are finished and I still have to drive home (another 45 minutes).

So when I come home, it’s just putting on my pyjamas and going to bed. Waking up – start my work again.

The only thing I do is thinking about my life (while eating in the car and singing songs while driving home).

I guess the only thing I know for sure is: I don’t really know what my life is going to be or become and it freaks me out.
I have so much dreams for my life. So many things I like about my dreams but for now it’s only nightmares because I don’t see a future I like. Where will I live? When will I be happy with the things I have/do? My feelings are messed up, insure. I’m scared_angry and frustrated for all the things (at many levels) not becoming true. I hope my dream is starting really soon.

I do miss my mom these days. She always helped me out with these things (she would get angry with me but after a while she would have this objective advice for me). It makes me insure not knowing what she would have told me. How she would react. It’s really hard. I still think about her when I do new things or make decisions. What would she think about this or that?

With working and studying I also lose my time off with my boyfriend. I miss him. Tonight he’s at this party with his colleagues. I do miss him. I do miss ‘our’ little time. It drives me crazy… i just want to be a good girlfriend but I only complain while being with him in the weekends. ( @ Jan. Just for you to know: I miss you).

I know so many people with no dreams, no expectations but I’ve never been like that. I always worked hard to get good results. I always believed in possibilities when I just grabbed them and pushed myself really hard. I know, deep down, I can pull things true if I just really want to. But I’m scared. I know other people who have this shity problem too but for now I feel lonely.

Lots of love.
I’m sorry for the few or little posts these days.
It’s been busy but I also have some problems with my internet connection. It’s annoying(!). For example. This post took me almost an hour to go online… (yes!)

I’m off to bed now_ i have a meeting in the early morning.

I miss it out here_I do.

Melissa

(images – weheartit)